i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
