Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize