Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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