new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
