she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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