Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Green mimosas i think yes
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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