one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
