Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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