Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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