I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
