Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
