I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
