Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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