you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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