What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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