Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
