Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
