Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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