I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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