shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
