i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
