I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i believe in u and ur pee
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
