I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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