conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
