Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
