Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
