I skipped work to stalk him.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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