1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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