we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
