So drunk its hurt
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
