why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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