nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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