Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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