God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
