How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
