im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Damn victory sex feels great
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
