im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
