I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
