Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
