I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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