The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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