So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
bring money and cleavage
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Randomize
