So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
