She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
