my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
