Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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