My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
