my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
