People in love make me want to vomit
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize