So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
