I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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