Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
