..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
