I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
