I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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