I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
