I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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