Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
