my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
