I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he thought i was a dude.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
